You’ve fallen for someone. Maybe you’re in the first couple months of dating. Or maybe you’ve been with someone for a year or two or seven. No matter where you are in the stage of a relationship, you have probably wondered “will this last?” While no one can predict you and your sweetie’s future with 100% certainty, there is social science research we can look to for guidance on which relationships have staying power. This article outlines a couple of key findings from psychologist John Gottman’s pioneering research in the field of relationships.
One intriguing finding is on the role that physiological responses play in predicting relationship longevity. Gottman studied couples by having them engage in conversation with each other while hooked up to electrodes to study their bodily responses (heart rate, blood pressure and sweat production). Six years later he followed up to see which couples were still together happily and which had separated or were together unhappily. What he found was fascinating. The couples who were still together happily were the ones whose physiology was not aroused— when together, their heart rates had been lower, blood flow was decreased, and sweat production was down. In other words, their bodies had expressed signs of feeling calm together. The couples whose physiology had been activated (increased heart rate, blood flow and sweating) were more likely to have broken up. Turns out the sustainable relationships were the ones without heart-pounding intensity. Imagine that.
This research throws into question one of the biggest cultural messages we receive about romance— that we are supposed to feel “crazy” in love, fall head over heels, and have pounding hearts for that special someone. This is a message that we are steeped in from a young age, as we are spoon-fed Disney and other fairy tales. Its a message that gets continually reinforced almost everywhere we turn, we find it in everything from Beyoncé lyrics to romantic comedies. But what Gottman’s research shows is that having heart-pounding intense feels, rather than being a sign of true love, is more likely an indication of a relationship’s eventual demise.
This is not to say that anxiety in the early stages of a relationship is not normal. There is often nervousness when you like someone and wonder if they feel the same. But as the relationship continues, how are you feeling when you spend time together? If you have “butterflies” in your stomach, cultural messages about love may lead you to mistake that feeling for a sign that things are going well and you really like that person. Those sensations, however, could be an indication that you can’t relax around your sweetheart. Our bodies provide a wealth of information about how we are feeling and we can learn to tune in to ourselves through mindfulness and other body-centered practices, such as somatic therapy. Do you feel intense excitement, all aflutter, or even subtle anxiety when you spend time with that special someone? Society has probably told you that these feelings are signs of love, but as Gottman’s research shows, they may be an indication that feelings of trust, kindness, and calm — factors that predict the long-term sustainability of a relationship— are missing.
If you are interested in assessing your relationship’s potential, the second part of the article provides more information on the roles that kindness, respect, and expressions of interest play in relationship strength. Therapy is also a great way to get support about your feelings and relationships. If you are wondering if your relationship is right for you, or looking to understand yourself with greater clarity, contact me to set up a free 20-minute consultation.
One intriguing finding is on the role that physiological responses play in predicting relationship longevity. Gottman studied couples by having them engage in conversation with each other while hooked up to electrodes to study their bodily responses (heart rate, blood pressure and sweat production). Six years later he followed up to see which couples were still together happily and which had separated or were together unhappily. What he found was fascinating. The couples who were still together happily were the ones whose physiology was not aroused— when together, their heart rates had been lower, blood flow was decreased, and sweat production was down. In other words, their bodies had expressed signs of feeling calm together. The couples whose physiology had been activated (increased heart rate, blood flow and sweating) were more likely to have broken up. Turns out the sustainable relationships were the ones without heart-pounding intensity. Imagine that.
This research throws into question one of the biggest cultural messages we receive about romance— that we are supposed to feel “crazy” in love, fall head over heels, and have pounding hearts for that special someone. This is a message that we are steeped in from a young age, as we are spoon-fed Disney and other fairy tales. Its a message that gets continually reinforced almost everywhere we turn, we find it in everything from Beyoncé lyrics to romantic comedies. But what Gottman’s research shows is that having heart-pounding intense feels, rather than being a sign of true love, is more likely an indication of a relationship’s eventual demise.
This is not to say that anxiety in the early stages of a relationship is not normal. There is often nervousness when you like someone and wonder if they feel the same. But as the relationship continues, how are you feeling when you spend time together? If you have “butterflies” in your stomach, cultural messages about love may lead you to mistake that feeling for a sign that things are going well and you really like that person. Those sensations, however, could be an indication that you can’t relax around your sweetheart. Our bodies provide a wealth of information about how we are feeling and we can learn to tune in to ourselves through mindfulness and other body-centered practices, such as somatic therapy. Do you feel intense excitement, all aflutter, or even subtle anxiety when you spend time with that special someone? Society has probably told you that these feelings are signs of love, but as Gottman’s research shows, they may be an indication that feelings of trust, kindness, and calm — factors that predict the long-term sustainability of a relationship— are missing.
If you are interested in assessing your relationship’s potential, the second part of the article provides more information on the roles that kindness, respect, and expressions of interest play in relationship strength. Therapy is also a great way to get support about your feelings and relationships. If you are wondering if your relationship is right for you, or looking to understand yourself with greater clarity, contact me to set up a free 20-minute consultation.
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